Wednesday, August 03, 2005

When all of your tears dry...

This isn't going to be a great post, but sometimes I just need to let my music speak for me.

I've been listening to Carbon Leaf a lot lately; their new album, "Indian Summer," manages to contain songs that cover every emotion I've experienced this summer. Now, on the eve of my best friend's departure to Kansas, I just keep listening to this same song -- it seems like an appropriate sendoff:

"Changeless"

Call my friends to share some wine
To share some laughs, and last goodbyes
My photographs of these years
Will make me laugh through the tears

What are the odds, what are the odds
this ends and we don't meet again?
What are the odds, What are the odds
that I will miss your smile?

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless

Let fondness be our souvenir
To keep it warm, we'll keep it near
Otherwise with no heart to recall...
A memory's just a memory after all
I will not leave this pulse alone
Though it may take the long way home
I will not wait until the end
For my applause for you my friend

What are the odds, what are the odds
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we won't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds
That I have missed your smile?

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless

I know, of course, that I will see her again, many a time throughout our long lives. That's what appeals to me about this song: it's a determined pledge to maintain the integrity and intimacy of a friendship, despite all of the changes in store.

This isn't going to be easy, and the closer my own departure comes, the more goodbyes I have to say. I never realized how hollow those can make you feel, how much your chest aches when you give that last, awkward hug before turning away for awhile. You have to say goodbye to everything: your friends, your old haunts, your favorite view of Lake Union...So I cling to another song, playing it time and again in the car as I cruise slowly down the road:

You've come far, and though you're far from the end
You don't mind where you are, 'cause you know where you've been...
When all of your tears dry,
let your troubles roll by

I'm terrified and excited; a jumbled, incoherent storm of words; the flutter at the throat of a bird before it takes flight. Part of me wants so badly to let this pass me by, and the other half is pleading for the courage and faith to see it through...I want someone, anyone to take me by the hand and guide me through to the end, but I know I have to do this on my own...and I know CB and Kelli and everyone else will be there for me, but I'm still insecure enough to beg for reassurance...I need wisdom and faith, a faith I don't have right now and don't know how to retrieve.

Raise the roof, that I might see the stars
To gain wisdom, to see things for what they are
Please, I need proof

Dance till you fall
Love till you die
Shut your mouth
Raise the roof

Trapped in the snare with too much dreaming to bear
Fearful and frantic, hopeless and a romantic
Inspired but tired, I run this wide-open course
Like the sagging spirit of an older horse

Peel back this backdrop, like the lids from my eyes
Put you in plain view, let me visualize
Touch me again in my dreams till I feel
Touch me again till I wake and it's real

The wisest advice to me that I didn't reach
Was to lock up the heart, but keep the key within reach
Touch me again in my dreams till I feel
Touch me again till I wake and it's real

Dance till you fall
Love till you die
Shut your mouth
Raise the roof


The enormity of it overwhelms me to the point where I feel consumed by my own future. I know it's going to be better in the end, but oh how I wish I could slow down just long enough to gauge where I am before I try to keep going. Some days, everything feels like it's at the right pace; today, as the inevitability of the big move grows clear, I feel like I'm flying too fast to breathe.

Too much to do, too much to see
Pictures to take, people to meet
When there's so much space in between
It overwhelms me

Scene after scene passes by my life
The window's a wound, the road is a knife
The irony, ask me, "Where have you been?"
I don't know, I don't know
because I don't know where to begin

I warned you: it wasn't going to be a great post. I'll try to be a little more articulate tomorrow, but for now I just want to sit and figure out where, exactly, I should begin in this new part of my life.

2 comments:

Anna said...

Meg, these are beautiful, heart-wrenching lyrics and I don't think this was a bad blog at all; in fact, I think I'll have to go and purchase my own copy of this album. Music is sometimes the best way to try and express what you are feeling and going through...at least this is what I've found. When something touches you so deeply, I completely understand the need to share it with others. I think the best part is that the same song can speak so differently to different people. (By the way, have you ever listened to Iron & Wine? Check it out...I'm willing to bet Sam Bean will speak to you, too :) ).

Anyway, although we've only known each other for a flash of a second compared to the length of other friendships, I know in my heart of hearts that you will successfully navigate your way through the many changes you are on the brink of facing. Your spirit is so sparkling and evident, that I simply know this will be true. Maybe you feel like you've (temporarily) lost faith, but I have faith in you and I know many other people do, too.

Meg said...

Thanks, Anna. I've heard Iron & Wine is supposed to be quite good, so I really need to check them out...I've been on a Carbon Leaf and Bright Eyes kick as of late - both really resonate with that constant sense of upheaval I've been experiencing.

And thanks for having faith in me - trust me, that means more than I can say. :) Hope you're resting up, and I'll see you soon!