Sunday, August 14, 2005

Circling the drain

I'm tired of feeling like my entire life is on hold. I'm tired of waiting for the big event at the end of the summer. I just don't care anymore. I'd rather be there and be completely overwhelmed by what's happening than sitting here by myself for another endless day, circling the runway without landing. I'm tired of feeling like nothing turns out the way you want it to. I'm tired of being depressed, upset and cranky around people I love. I hate feeling like I don't have enough time to spend with them when it's all that matters. I am tired. So, so tired. Crying would be a nice way to get out of it, but I can't. The level of apathy I've managed to work up is alarming. Entire days, wasted. Hours on end, frittered away trying not to think about everything that's happening. I hate being depressed, but I'm not sure what to do about it right now. Hell, I don't even know if I am depressed, or if I'm just having a normal reaction to all the crap going on. It's not just the move - it's the friends relocating, the pressures of a frighteningly rigorous grad program, the family support system I can't imagine leaving, and the job sucking away my husband's time and focus. Yeah, that. I wish the powers that be understood how little time we have left together. I wish I could just accept that this is the way things are and get up in the morning without feeling the need to sleep an hour late. I hate even having to write this - it makes me feel like I'm a failure somehow, like I can't cope well enough. I'm just not happy right now, at least not like I should be. I wish I was.

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