Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Be in awe

It is a royally difficult task to address 50 invitations by hand when one has the handwriting skills of a thumbless chimpanzee. I only hope that my friends and family feign appreciation when my scribbles arrive in their mailboxes. Now that the invitation phase of wedding planning is wrapping up, here's what I've learned:

Wedding Guide #1: Make Your Own Wedding Invitations

  1. Compile your guest list.
  2. Realize you left your *insert important relative here* off the list. Realize you do not have his contact information.
  3. Call other relatives.
  4. Add important relative to list. Finish list.
  5. Realize you forgot your *insert really close friend here*.
  6. Track down friend.
  7. Finish list.
  8. Beg FH to finish his part of the list. Ignore pleas that he has more important things to do, like publishing a paper.
  9. Create invitations on Illustrator.
  10. Realize you know nothing about Illustrator.
  11. Drag FH away from paper to create invitations. Marvel at his previously unknown design skills. Mentally remind yourself to lock him in a room with a computer when the programs need creating.
  12. Purchase matching paper and envelopes.
  13. Realize envelopes are not a normal size.
  14. Redesign invitations to fit your abnormally skewed envelopes.
  15. Print test pages of your invitations.
  16. Print more test pages.
  17. Drag your pile of invitations to the nearest paper cutter and begin slicing.
  18. Wonder why we can genetically engineer tomatoes yet be completely incapable of designing a paper cutter that cuts in straight lines.
  19. Stand over paper cutter for 4.5 hours trying to make crooked lines less obvious.
  20. Return home triumphantly.
  21. Locate potato poker or ice pick.
  22. Find heavy piece of wood.
  23. Spend Sunday night finding the center line on your invitations. Poke with potato poker.
  24. Poke second page of invitations with potato poker.
  25. Insert tiny brads into potato-poked holes.
  26. Hold invitations at arms-length and squint. Decide that almost straight is good enough.
  27. Measure envelopes. Draw straight lines for address blocks.
  28. Begin to address envelopes.
  29. Throw out 12 that demonstrate your complete inability to make two consecutive letters the same height.
  30. Run out of ink.
  31. Purchase new pen.
  32. Finish addressing envelopes three days later.
  33. Attempt to purchase stamps that aren't ugly as sin.
  34. Settle for funny looking, bugeyed birds. Place envelopes in mail.
  35. Retrieve envelopes from mail and insert invitations.
  36. Return envelopes AND invitations to mailbox. Resolve to send telegrams next time.

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