Monday, March 26, 2007

I'll be leaving soon

Thursday afternoon.

I hear a noise from the office doorway and look up from where I'm crouching over sets of figures, tabling the numbers we're going to lose on the event being canceled. Outside, the rain has been sliding down from the sky all afternoon in thick, sinewy sheets that splatter along the sidewalks. My boss, or ex-boss, is leaning against the door frame, red-faced, just staring. I set my pencil on the edge of my desk and fold my hands, looking at him expectantly. He's only just learned that the other co-worker is leaving, too, and now he's on his way out for the weekend. When he comes back, I will be gone.

He doesn't say much. Just stops and starts, fixed rigidly in the doorway. I don't reply.

"I just, I'm not good at...the thing is. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm very sorry."

He half approaches, maybe seeking a handshake, but I don't move. I can't. My feet are glued to the floor and I just want him to leave because I don't want to feel bad now, not after I've learned what he told the board, how this is all my fault, how everything that's happened comes down to me and my inability to handle the job's burdens.

But he looks so sad and confused and even small that I want to say something. Anything to at least let him know that I haven't enjoyed one moment of the past two weeks, either. Instead, I drop my gaze and pick up the pencil and mutter, "I'm sorry, too."

He waits a moment longer, then leaves. I listen as his footsteps recede down the hallway. When I know he's gone, I drop my head to my desk and remain there while a trickle of rain seeps through the window like an open wound.


Kristy said...

I had an entry on my site recently about how my "boss" at one of my volunteer jobs made me his scapegoat recently. He still seems to have no awareness of how cowardly and hurtful (and ultimately irresponsible) his actions were. I took that entry down after a couple of weeks because I have nightmares about him (and other people in my life, for that matter) finding my site and recognizing himself. I still have to work with the man. I'm glad you're putting your boss in the past.

I bet, on some level, you learned more from this unfortunate situation than you did in grad school, no?

ecogrrl said...

In some ways, si. In some ways, I miss grad school! :)