An Open Letter to the United States

Dear America,

Why must you try my patience so? Here I am, overseas, enjoying the dearth of religious rhetoric in daily political life, and yet I still resolve to come home to you. And then you had to go and let Ann Coulter publish another book, in which she shrewdly notes that "liberals just want to kill humans." (Side note: Damn it! Who let our secret slip? Now I have to hide all the bodies.)

I can accept your questionable literary tastes, America. Hey, at least you're still reading, or at least everyone but those 40 million functionally illiterate people. But reading is an admirable pursuit, particularly now that you've officially made it impossible for us to ever see anything interesting on network television again. Look. In Britain, after 11:00, they start running documentaries about the world's largest penis, or breastfeeding five year-olds in public, or kicking a heroin addiction on live television. None of the Brits seem particularly traumatized by such fare; in fact, they've developed a revolutionary technique to defuse the situation called Turning Off the Frigging Television. Then again, in our Puritanical culture, I suppose the lingering aftershocks of Janet Jackson's boob merit more legislative attention than other piddling matters like impoverished American kids or global warming -- after all, how can we even think about bigger issues when our minds are forever being assaulted with the image of that super-sized offense?

But America? It was a BOOB. Half of you have them. It seems a bit odd to be so utterly offended by one's presence, particularly when one could argue that little kids perhaps should not be watching the Superbowl anyway, what with its scantily clad cheerleaders and ubiquitous beer commercials. But now? Now you're offended by gay MANNEQUINS?? Those creepy plastic dolls actually sparked enough outrage for a national campaign? Why doesn't anyone complain when the female mannequins are topless, huh? Or freaking naked? Why do only male mannequins dressed to be "gay" raise eyebrows? (And why the hell do any of you care enough to launch a campaign about it?)

America, your obsession with all things homosexual is beginning to disturb me. I'm beginning to think that perhaps those of you who express such revulsion are, in fact, closeted, and simply cannot accept your own feelings towards people of your gender. In the meantime, while you deal with those repressed urges, could you please, please fixate your attention on something that's actually remotely important enough to be considered national news??? No, I don't mean campaigning to prevent kids from getting a vaccine that might save their lives someday.

Look, America. Let's make something clear. I want to come home. Your efforts to turn this entire country into some sort of weird religious safe haven for straight, white illiterate virgins are not making me happy. Don't you hear the entire rest of the world laughing at you? Don't you know how many people are, like some of my friends in Mexico admit, waiting for us to take ourselves down so they can finally get out from under our thumbs? Hasn't it ever occured to you that now is the time to start acting like a little less of an ass?

When I come back, there'd better be a gay mannequin on my front lawn holding a television that's broadcasting something involving naked people. That is all.

Disturbedly Yours,

A Concerned Citizen, courtesy of her sources at The Stranger