Monday, November 05, 2007

and now it's time for you to go

This is it. I'm sitting here in my office (yes, blogging in my office, but on my own laptop), and there is a three-paragraph resignation letter face down beside my potted fern.

I've talked to so many advisers, mentors and friends this month that I can barely think for myself anymore. The fact that this isn't going to work makes me incredibly sad, because it really could if I just had something or someone to balance the crazy hours, the miserable supervisors, and the soul-sucking tasks. No, really: life beyond job would make the job tolerable. But 3 hours north, there are friends and family and all of the reasons I came home from England. As frightened as I am right now (and if you've talked to me lately, you know I'm terrified -- my confidence and trust in my own abilities are as low I can remember them being) much as my stomach feels like it's taking an acid bath, I also think this is something I need to do. I want to believe that my life is more than the job I do. Here, it's literally all I have besides a cat who barely sees me and an apartment I love but really can't afford.

If I had time for friends? To make friends? I would stay. But I am tired of feeling like I need more excuses, so here are the bare, dry bones bleaching in the sun:

I am lonely as hell;
The LDR is survivable when I have people nearby to help me forget it;
I work too many hours to go home;
I can barely stand my job, and I think I'd be fine with that for the short-term if it weren't for the rest of the ribcage above this;
For whatever reasons, professional and personal, I need to go home;
and I am finally okay with admitting it.

I have a reference here, and I'm leaving in the best circumstances I can. They're getting almost six weeks' notice. Really, I think it's a better deal for them than me. But I can't hold onto something just because it's safe. I can't ignore all of the signs -- and there are many -- that I'm not doing so well right now.

It doesn't make sense to some of you, I know. I wish I could explain it, but all I can say is that I've learned a lot, and maybe that's enough for me to take away from it.


Kristy said...

Congratulations--I'm sure you've made the right decision. You have to do what your heart tells you.

Marlowe is going with you, yes? said...

I upped and left my housemate situation. I couldn't explain it either but I think I was depressed. it is so, so the right decision, I can feel it. A job's a job at the end of the day. ignore your very driven husband and go home and finally relax. x

Broken Skull said...

Sometimes you just gotta roll with what life gives you and make the best you can out of the worst you are given.

Take Care.

Brian...aka Broken Skull

Julie said...

It does make sense and even though you sound like you dont feel it - you are actually very brave. Some people live their whole lives feeling that way, but not examining it. So really, congratulations.

ecogrrl said...

You all rock. Seriously. Thank you so much.