Monday, June 11, 2007

I'll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go

Recently, I operated under the delusion that I could be one of those people who travels light. The kind who can move entire lives in an oversized van. The ones who don't accumulate much and don't feel like they're missing anything.

This evening, I'm collapsed on the couch wondering how I managed to fill a 12' moving truck with our stuff. Granted, I'm essentially moving an apartment that used to have two occupants, but still. Books and clothing, furniture and's enough to embarrass me, and I'm still leaving all of the childhood memories (the schoolwork and yearbooks and well-worn stuffed animals) in my parents' garage.

I am exhausted and bone-weary. I do not want to leave my city, or my friends, or this life I've finally been cobbling back together. A thousand stupid worries stampede over my bed at night, keeping me awake: What if the neighbors are noisy, and I have to move? What if the commute is too long, and I have to move? What if this job doesn't work out, and I have to move BACK? I'm learning lately that I'm not a person who can turn off concerns like you'd extinguish a candle. My worries smolder in the fireplace. The biggest one, as always, involves leaving my friends and family behind. I'm tremendously insecure about losing friends, thanks I think to childhood traumas and adolescent ostracization. Every move scares me: maybe this will be the one. It's stupid, I know, but there it is.

I know I'll be back soon. You can't feel this strongly about a place and stay away for long, but I still leave another piece of my heart behind every damned time I go. I think it's just all happening too fast for me to feel comfortable yet. Hopefully, in a few weeks, it will be fine. For now, I just have to keep moving -- heh heh, like I have a choice.


Kristy said...

You can think about it as leaving Seattle or as staying in the Pacific Northwest. I'd recommend the latter. I'm thinking you'll be fine. When do we get to hear about the new job?

ecogrrl said...

Point taken. Don't mind me, just being moody. :) As soon as I get settled, I'll write about the job - honest! It might take a few days, as the lovely internet provider (guess which one) is doubtless going to have trouble with my somewhat elderly building. Soon, I swear. Thanks for the patience!

Auglaise said...

I know what you mean about moving - at this point I've got stuff stored in 3 different places in two countries!

As for leaving Seattle - it's sucky every time (even when you come back for a visit, and know that you'll be leaving again in a few weeks) but - you live close enough that you can go visit for the weekend if you want to, so you're not nearly as far away as you were when you lived over here. ^_^

And (hopefully, as I don't know anything about it) the new job will be wonderful!

Anonymous said...

Hey, chica. There's no way you'll lose your friends because of some piddly 150 mile move. After all, we stayed put when you were across an entire ocean! We're not going anywhere now :)

Speaking of moving, my "boy" and I recently started looking into movers for our cross-country trek this summer. And now I'm paranoid that our things won't arrive in NY until well, well after we do! It will be such fun sleeping in an empty apartment for weeks. Argh!

When do you officially start your new job, or has that happened already?

Toiling in preparation for the bar in CA (and wishing evil, evil thoughts in the directions of the sadistic bar examiners who designed this test)